Harley's Wild
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker kicks Harley Quinn out again. Poison Ivy, tired of the endless cycle, tries to make Harley stand up to him, and, surprisingly, it works. Harley dumps him, which Joker doesn't find very funny.
1. Chapter 1

**Harley's Wild**

A loud, desperate knocking sounded on Poison Ivy's door. Irritated at being distracted from her plants, she growled and stormed down the hall, wondering if it was worth feeding whoever was disturbing her to her babies. She threw open the door and, seeing who it was, shut her eyes and muttered, "Not again."

"Oh, Red!" cried Harley Quinn, throwing herself into her arms and sobbing uncontrollably. "Oh, Red, something terrible has happened!"

"Joker kick you out again?" she sighed, knowing what the answer would be. She was so sick of playing this stupid game.

Harley sobbed louder at this, breaking down so that she couldn't speak for several minutes. Ivy sighed and ushered her inside, where she continued to cry.

"It was…my fault!" she sobbed at last. "I shouldn't have said what I did!"

"What did you say?" sighed Ivy, wondering what pathetic excuse it would be this time.

She tried to control her sobbing. "It was after a heist that didn't go so well, the cops showed up and stopped him, and he was in the middle of one of his rants, soliloquizing about how he was the Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime, and how dare mere cops raise a finger against him, when I…I interrupted him. I spoke before I thought, Red, but it only just hit me, so I asked him suddenly if he was the Clown Prince of Crime, did that make me the Clown Princess of Crime? And he just stared at me, and then got really angry, and demanded what that was supposed to mean, did I think we were equals or something? And I said…I said…I said…yeah, kinda!" she sobbed.

She managed to continue through her tears at last, "And then he shouted at me, asked me what kind of relationship I thought this was, asked me how dare I think I could equal his greatness, and it's true, Red, it was stupid of me to think that, let alone say it, but I wasn't thinking straight. He said I didn't deserve him, that I was an unworthy, ungrateful dame, that I wasn't fit to lick the dirt from his spats, and that he didn't want to see me no more! And then he…he…he threw me out, Red!"

She let out a wail, throwing herself on the sofa and sobbing uncontrollably. Ivy sighed, rolling her eyes. This was typical. If Ivy had to pick one word to describe Joker and Harley's relationship, aside from creepy, it would be melodramatic. Volatile. Ridiculous. Infuriating. Baffling. Abusive. Disgusting. Actually, there were a lot of words.

She sat down next to the sobbing Harley. "Harl, you know what's going to happen, don't you?" she said, quietly. "The same thing that always happens. You stay really upset for a couple days while Joker cools off, then he commands you come back, and you obey without question. I don't even know why you're crying. We both know how this ends."

"But…but he really meant it this time, Red!" cried Harley, raising her tear-stained face to hers. "I know he did! I've never seen him so angry!"

"You always say that," she replied. "Every time it happens. And I've lost count of the number of times it's happened. And it's always going to keep happening unless you change things, Harl. Unless you take a stand and let him know he can't push you around anymore."

"But…but what would I do without him, Red?" she sobbed. "I need him! This is why I'm so upset! One day he'll kick me out for good, and I don't know if I can live without him! I can't even bear to think about it! I'm so afraid of that happening, of him not needing me anymore…"

"Harley, you're being pathetic," growled Ivy. "You can't base your entire life and happiness on one man! You don't need him, Harl! Can't you understand that? At your heart, you're a strong, intelligent, capable woman, but you've buried her under some mad obsession. Find that strong woman again, Harley. I know you can do it."

"But…but I can't be strong without him, Red!" she sobbed. "I love him! I love him so much…"

Ivy sighed. Talking with Harley in this state didn't do any good. In fact, talking with Harley usually didn't do any good. Ivy wasn't as willing to go round in circles as Harley, so rather than continue the futile conversation, she helped her to her feet and said, "C'mon, I'll make you a cup of tea."

The tea turned into a glass of wine, then several bottles of wine, then margaritas. By the end of the night, Ivy had learned several things: she never wanted to hear crying ever again, it was literally impossible for Harley to run out of tears, and she and the clown got up to some really messed up stuff together.

"…and even though I was dizzy and slightly faint from bleeding everywhere, it was probably the most powerful one I ever had, and anyway, knife wounds heal quicker than you'd think," Harley finished, draining the last of the margarita. She suddenly burst into tears again. "I miss him so much, Ivy!" she sobbed.

"Uh huh," replied Ivy, shutting her eyes as she tried to erase the last image from her mind. "Is it bedtime yet, Harl?"

"I won't be able to sleep without him," she sighed, sadly. "I never can."

"Ok, well you stay up and have some more drinks, and I'll hit the sack," said Ivy, standing up, seizing any excuse to not have to listen to her anymore.

"You ain't gonna leave me, are you, Red?" said Harley, desperately. "You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Not like…not like…oh, Mr. J!" she sobbed, breaking down again.

Ivy sat back down with a reluctant sigh. "Of course not, Harl. But can you make me a promise?"

"Anything for you, Red," she replied.

"Ok, two promises then," she said. "One, never tell me about your and the clown's private antics ever again. Just for the sake of my sanity. And two, don't focus on him, or the two of you, and try to think about you alone. You, Harley Quinn. You can't ever be happy, Harley, until you truly know who you are and what you want. If that's Joker and all this craziness, fine, but just make sure that's what _you_ want, rather than what he wants. If you go back to him, do it for your sake, not for his. I love you, Harley. You need to love you too."

Harley nodded slowly. "Thanks, Red. That's good advice," she murmured.

She poured herself another drink, her blue eyes glassy in thought. "You can go to bed if you want," she said to Ivy. "I think I need some time alone for once."

"Ok. Let me know if you need anything," said Ivy, hugging her. "Night, Harley."

"Night, Red," she said, hugging her tightly. "And thanks for always being here for me. I don't deserve you."

"Stop thinking like that, Harl," she replied firmly. "You deserve good friends. You deserve a man who treats you like the special person you are. And I really hope you find him someday. But you don't need him. The only person you need to love is yourself. Night, baby."

Ivy knew it probably wouldn't do any good telling her stuff like that, but she had to try, for Harley's sake. She couldn't give up on her. Maybe it was stupid to think like that, but she couldn't help it. Harley would never give up on the Joker, and she would never give up on Harley. That was just the way things were. She didn't think they would ever change. And with that cheerful thought, she dropped off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Maybe Ivy was deluding herself, but it seemed to her that Harley was coping with this breakup a little better than usual. She still cried all the time, but there were intervals of calm where she really appeared to be seriously thinking. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on Ivy's part.

A few days later, an angry knocking sounded on Ivy's door. She raced to it, but Harley beat her to it and threw it open.

The Joker stood there, glowering. "Sorry. C'mon," he muttered, seizing Harley's arm and dragging her out the door.

"No, Mr. J," said Harley firmly, pulling her arm away suddenly. Ivy was taken aback, and so was Joker.

"Excuse me?" he said, incredulously.

"I said, no, Mr. J," replied Harley, with the same firmness, although her voice was quivering. "I ain't coming back with you this time. I'm staying with Red. I need some time alone, without you, to sort my life out. To figure out what I want."

He stared at her. "What _you_ want?" he repeated in disbelief. "Who could possibly care what you want?" He glared at Ivy. "This is the plant's fault, isn't it?" he demanded.

"It ain't her fault," retorted Harley. "It ain't about her, or about you. It's about me."

"You?" he repeated, growing furious. "And just who do you think you are, Harley? Who do you think you'd be without me? Just some meaningless shrink back at Arkham, some crap doctor trying futilely to cure people, surrounded by crazies and more crazies! I made you into Harley Quinn, the Joker's…assistant, henchwench of the greatest criminal mastermind this city has ever seen! You should be grateful to me, you should be on your knees thanking me every minute of every day for saving you from a wasted, useless, and boring life! And that's what you'll be going back to without me, toots! A meaningless, empty life!"

"My life ain't meaningless or empty!" shouted Harley. "I got friends, I got qualifications, I got talents, and I'm going to use them! You need to realize that, Mr. J, and treat me with a little more respect! I ain't just some dumb blonde punching bag of yours! I'm Harley Quinn, supervillainess, and your equal! So just get used to it, clown!"

There was silence after this rant. Both Joker and Ivy were too stunned to respond. Then Joker growled, "So you gonna come home and make dinner, or what?"

Harley looked at him with tears in her eyes. "Goodbye, Mr. J," she whispered. And she shut the door.

Ivy stared at her, open-mouthed. "Harley," she breathed. "Harley, that was amazing."

"Yeah? It felt kinda good," she said, managing a small smile. "It just suddenly made sense, Red, all the stuff you've been saying for a long time now. You were right. I do have the strength to do it."

Ivy could have kissed her. But she just hugged her instead and then said, beaming, "Come on, get dressed up nice. We're going out for dinner and drinks, on me. This is a huge step, Harley. I'm so proud of you."

"I'm proud of myself," she said, smiling. "It's a nice feeling, ain't it, Red?"

"It's called self-esteem," replied Ivy. "And I know you've been without it for a long time, but it's addictive. I think you're going to be all right, Harley. For the first time, I really do."


	3. Chapter 3

Joker stared at the shut door in disbelief. Somehow, he found his way back to his hideout as his brain slowly processed what had just happened. Then it suddenly clicked, and he pulled out his gun, firing at random stuff in the room. "She can't talk that way to me!" he shouted to the empty room. "I'm the Joker, dammit! I'm her goddamn boss!"

He stormed into what had been their bedroom and began shooting things that reminded him of Harley. "Respect you, you dumb broad?!" he shouted. "How's this for respect?! How 'bout I put a bullet through your stupid, blonde brain?! That respect enough for you, Harl?!"

When he had run out of bullets, he dropped his gun and stormed into the kitchen, looking in confusion at the oven. "How the hell am I supposed to figure this crap out?!" he shouted, throwing up his hands. "Damn bitch wants me to starve! Well, I ain't gonna starve, you stupid little slut! I'm gonna drag you back here and put you in the oven! Right after dinner!"

He left the hideout, slamming the door and making his way to _The Iceberg Lounge_, a popular dining spot for Gotham's social elite. The secret, hidden back room was also a popular hangout spot for Gotham's supervillains, since the Penguin, who owned the joint, gave discounts to his fellow criminals.

Joker entered by the back door and found himself in the large, spacious, dimly lit and elegantly decorated room reserved for the crème de la crème of crime. He sat down huffily in the corner and waited for Penguin.

"Joker, what an unexpected surprise," said his host, waddling over and smoking one of his cigarettes. "I would have imagined you wouldn't want to be seen here tonight of all nights."

"Why not?" asked Joker. "Party I'm not invited to?"

"You could say that," agreed Penguin, nodding over to the corner. "Pammie and Harley are having a little celebration anyway."

Joker craned his neck to see the two women he loathed most in the world at the moment laughing and chatting with some of the other supervillains. He immediately reached into his jacket for his gun, but then remembered he had left it at the hideout. "Thought it might be a bit awkward for you to be seen by the ex," continued Penguin, grinning at him. "Word is she chucked you. Is that true?"

Joker forced a smile. "Now does that sound like my little Harley girl, Pengers?"

"No," he agreed. "But then she doesn't look much like your little Harley girl. She looks bright and radiant and much happier. Freer. Like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. The other men have noticed it too," he said, nodding to the large group of male villains who seemed to be paying unusual attention to Harley.

"Get me a drink, Pengers," growled Joker. "And a steak. Rare. I want to taste blood."

Penguin smiled and left him. Joker folded his arms and watched Harley and Ivy, feeling an uncomfortable emotion bubbling up inside him. It wasn't jealousy – it couldn't be that. He had no reason to be jealous. Harley always came back to him. Always. It was anger at her being like this, stupid and stubborn and flirty. She was only doing it to spite him, and he didn't like being spited. He rose and left suddenly, intending to return with a little surprise for Harley.

"I must say, I thought this day would never come," said Jervis Tetch, aka the Mad Hatter, smiling at Harley. "Quite the frabjous day, callooh, callay."

"You and me both, Tetch," replied Ivy, who hadn't stopped smiling since Harley's rant at the Joker. "But she's finally got some self-respect back, and doesn't it just suit her?"

"Yeah, it really does," agreed Edward Nygma, the Riddler. "You look just beautiful, Harley. So you really dumped Joker, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess I did," she replied. She had smiled at his compliment, but now frowned slightly. "But y'know, just temporarily. Just while we work stuff out."

"It's better than nothing," said Ivy.

"So this means you're single now, Harley?" asked Jonathan Crane, aka the Scarecrow. "Just curious," he added, hastily.

"Yeah, single," replied Harley, her frown deepening at the word. "Just me. Me, myself, little old me…"

She stood up suddenly. "Just heading to the ladies, won't be a moment."

Ivy watched her leave, then excused herself shortly after. She found Harley crying in the bathroom. "Harley?" she asked, gently. "What's wrong?"

"Aw, Red, it's all wrong!" she cried. "I don't feel like myself, not without Mr. J! I don't want to be single! I don't want to be just me! I want to be us! I want to be with him! I need him, Red! I love him!"

"Harley, you're doing so well," said Ivy, hugging her soothingly. "Don't give up now. I promise you it'll get better. The first few days are the hardest, but I know you can do it. And it's worth it, Harley, trust me."

Harley wiped her eyes. "Red? Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Harley, anything, you know that," she replied.

"Do you ever…get lonely, Red?" she murmured. "Even in a room full of people? Do you ever think that no one there really understands you, or cares about you? Oh yeah, they're being nice and friendly, but they're not the someone you have or…or want to have...who just…gets you. Who just has that special something, that special connection. Who just understands you, and loves you and accepts you for who you are, unconditionally, even though sometimes that means putting up with a lot of crap. That's me and Mr. J."

"You don't need him, Harley," said Ivy, firmly.

Harley shook her head. "Yeah I do, Red," she whispered, equally firmly. "Yeah. I do. I need him. That's what I've discovered, being on my own. I can't be on my own. I'm not complete. There is no I, no me without him. No Harley Quinn without the Joker. He's a part of me, and I don't want to lose that part of me. I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I'd only feel half of myself. I need him to be me."

She wiped her eyes resolutely. "I'm going home."

"No, Harley, you can't give up now!" shouted Ivy.

Harley smiled at her. "You're a sweet kid, Red, and I love you lots," she said, hugging her. "But you just don't get me the way he does. It's ok, I don't need you to. And I'm grateful, I really am, for everything you've done, and everything you've tried to do for me. But this isn't me. This is you, free and independent and flirty, with your pick of men. That's fine if you like that, Red, but it's just not for me. Anymore than my life would be for you. We just need to accept that we're different and not try to change each other. We're best friends – we don't have to be the same."

Ivy sighed. It was useless talking to Harley when she got on these kicks, these philosophical, wise kicks, as she thought them. Ivy thought they were crap, but it was no good telling Harley that. It was no good telling her anything. She was stubborn and unchangable. But that was Harley.

"Do what you want, Harl," she retorted.

"Thanks, Red," said Harley, beaming. They left the toilets and returned to their seats. Ivy had signaled Penguin for the cheque, when suddenly there was a rumbling, and without warning, a chunk of wall exploded as a tank burst into the room.

As the dust settled, the hatch opened and Joker popped out. "Sorry to crash the party!" he laughed.

"You're paying for that, Joker!" shouted Penguin, picking himself up from the rubble.

"That's not service with a smile, Pengers," said Joker, grinning. "Guess that means my meal's on the house! Anyway, I can't stay, I've just come to settle some unfinished business," he growled, his eyes fixing on Harley.

"Puddin'," breathed Harley, gazing at him in adoration.

"I've been thinking a lot about what you said, baby, and you're right," he said, smiling. "You are a supervillainess in your own right, pooh bear. Which also makes you my rival, and I don't tolerate rivals. So I'll just have to get rid of you," he muttered, focusing the tank's gun on her. "And after you, the plant lady, and then Hatter, and Crane and Nygma."

"Why them? You jealous?" asked Harley.

"No, of course not," he snapped, reaching for the trigger.

"You are," she breathed, beaming suddenly. "You're jealous! Oh, puddin', you do love me!" she cried, throwing up her arms in delight.

Joker's finger tightened on the trigger, but he was suddenly knocked backwards. Batman had arrived, following the trail of destruction Joker stealing a tank had left in his wake. Batman lifted him from the driver's seat and threw him out of the tank. Joker hit the floor with a bang.

"Puddin'!" squealed Harley, rushing over to him and cradling him in her lap. Batman dropped down and cuffed Joker and Harley, then went to round up the rest of the room. Needless to say, nobody else in the room was going without a fight, but Harley didn't even notice the chaos around her. She didn't flinch as a bullet impacted on the wall next to her, stroking Joker's hair back, smiling serenely down at him. "Aw, baby, your new suit's got tank grease all over it," she murmured. "You know how hard that stuff is to get out? It's going to take me hours."

"It'll take you even longer to clean up the lair," he replied. "I went on a bit of a rampage, baby, but I was really angry with you, you know."

"Yeah, I know," she murmured. "But it's ok, puddin'. I ain't ever leaving you again."

Joker grinned. "That's my Harley girl," he murmured. She bent down and kissed him, and he returned it, tenderly. "Think you can reach that steak for me, pumpkin?" he asked, nodding at a nearby table. "Daddy's starving."

Harley nodded, managing to grab the plate and a knife and fork with her cuffed hands. She cut up the steak and fed pieces to Joker as they both watched the fight.

"Red, watch out behind you…" shouted Harley, but then cringed. "Ouch, that's gotta hurt," she murmured.

"Twinkle, twinkle little Bat, watch him bash into the Hat," said Joker, pointing and smiling.

Harley giggled. "Good one, puddin'. Hey Crane, you get a Phd in losing, or what?"

Joker chuckled. "You'd think Pengers at least would have an escape route installed for emergencies like this."

"That's why we call him Birdbrain, boss," replied Harley.

"Bats has got this one in the bag," said Joker. "The others just don't stand a chance without us to help them."

"What did you say, puddin'?" she asked, her eyes bright.

"I said the others don't stand a chance without…me to help them," he corrected.

Harley smiled to herself. "Yeah. That's what I thought."

And she kissed him again and leaned against his chest. He put his cuffed arms around her and held her, smiling, until Batman dragged them all back to Arkham Asylum.


End file.
